Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
