He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
