Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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