Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
so much tequila, so little girl.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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