Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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