I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
