I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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