My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think a kid would responsible me up
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize