Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
