if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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