If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
