getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
