Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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