His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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