Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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