I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
