also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
