definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
