um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
