Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
