I haven't been this sober since birth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
