He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
