On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize