If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's blow job season.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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