Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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