Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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