Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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