How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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