I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
