I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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