We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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