Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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