Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
it glows. i had to have it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
