mondays should just be called national damage control day
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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