I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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