how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
