last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
