Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
