Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
