If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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