just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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