I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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