Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
