i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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