why didn't you poke me back
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
