Umm I'm too high to move.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
