I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
