He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
