I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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