Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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