sarcasm needs its own font
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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