I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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