The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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