i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
