Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My penis needs a shock collar
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
