2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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