So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
