your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
