Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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