I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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