i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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